Reflecting on Leaving

As I type this the countdown stands at 5 days, 23 hours and 45 minutes. My passport (complete with Visa) arrived in the post a couple of days ago meaning there is nothing in the way of me getting on that plane- aside from my own lack of basic competence regarding making it to the right place in the airport.  Knowing that my departure now looms right at the end of the week I wanted to try and put some of my feelings into words. I think it would be interesting to be able to compare how I am feeling now to how I feel as I leave Devnar next summer and whether the prospect of coming back to go to University is as exciting as moving to India.

When people talk to me about India the first thing they ask is ‘are you excited?’ Of course I am. How could I not be!? I am ready to have an experience of a life time and (as cliché as it sounds) my dreams are really coming true. The other thing people want to know is whether I’m nervous. This one always feels a little more complicated to answer because, yes; there are things that made me nervous and scared. The thought of my first lesson- or more specifically; running out of activities during my first lesson- makes my stomach drop. The same goes for having to deal with a difficult student but not being able to communicate well enough, the thought that I might not be liked by the other staff and accepting the inevitability of some degree of illness. In contrast, however, the actual idea of moving to the other side of the world doesn’t make me nearly as scared as I once thought it would. I feel like the combination of excitement and the number of times I’ve actually said ‘I’m moving to India’ have made this move feel like part of the natural progression of events in my Project Trust journey as well as in my life in general.

I had also anticipated that, by this stage, I would be an emotional wreck whenever I talked to someone I might not see in a year. I haven’t quite found this to be the case yet, even at my ‘farewell party’ last night. I know that I will miss people terribly while I’m overseas but in this whirlwind of preparation it’s hard to imagine how sad I will feel without everyone. Saying this, however, I’m sure it will be proved wrong as I say some final final goodbyes over the coming days and will morph into a pile of snot and tears.

Two of my lovely 'Goodbye' cards

Unfortunately, my departure has coincided with some unimaginably terrible times in the lives of some people I love very dearly. This is, without a doubt, is the hardest part about going away. I feel a heavy sense of guilt knowing that my moving means I can no long be there for those I want to be there for and, at times; this has been very difficult for me to comprehend. I feel in limbo between wanting desperately to help and knowing that there isn’t a lot I can do, especially once I leave. This isn’t to say that I am not looking forward to living in India but it has shaken life up and taught be about perspective in a way I didn’t really understand before. Now it feels more important than ever to have adventures and create beautiful memories. I’m reminded that I need to stop worrying that I don’t feel the way I thought I would about leaving and instead I should just be making sure that the time before my departure is as happy and lovely as it possibly can be. 

Elena x