Reflecting on Leaving

As I type this the countdown stands at 5 days, 23 hours and 45 minutes. My passport (complete with Visa) arrived in the post a couple of days ago meaning there is nothing in the way of me getting on that plane- aside from my own lack of basic competence regarding making it to the right place in the airport.  Knowing that my departure now looms right at the end of the week I wanted to try and put some of my feelings into words. I think it would be interesting to be able to compare how I am feeling now to how I feel as I leave Devnar next summer and whether the prospect of coming back to go to University is as exciting as moving to India.

When people talk to me about India the first thing they ask is ‘are you excited?’ Of course I am. How could I not be!? I am ready to have an experience of a life time and (as cliché as it sounds) my dreams are really coming true. The other thing people want to know is whether I’m nervous. This one always feels a little more complicated to answer because, yes; there are things that made me nervous and scared. The thought of my first lesson- or more specifically; running out of activities during my first lesson- makes my stomach drop. The same goes for having to deal with a difficult student but not being able to communicate well enough, the thought that I might not be liked by the other staff and accepting the inevitability of some degree of illness. In contrast, however, the actual idea of moving to the other side of the world doesn’t make me nearly as scared as I once thought it would. I feel like the combination of excitement and the number of times I’ve actually said ‘I’m moving to India’ have made this move feel like part of the natural progression of events in my Project Trust journey as well as in my life in general.

I had also anticipated that, by this stage, I would be an emotional wreck whenever I talked to someone I might not see in a year. I haven’t quite found this to be the case yet, even at my ‘farewell party’ last night. I know that I will miss people terribly while I’m overseas but in this whirlwind of preparation it’s hard to imagine how sad I will feel without everyone. Saying this, however, I’m sure it will be proved wrong as I say some final final goodbyes over the coming days and will morph into a pile of snot and tears.

Two of my lovely 'Goodbye' cards

Unfortunately, my departure has coincided with some unimaginably terrible times in the lives of some people I love very dearly. This is, without a doubt, is the hardest part about going away. I feel a heavy sense of guilt knowing that my moving means I can no long be there for those I want to be there for and, at times; this has been very difficult for me to comprehend. I feel in limbo between wanting desperately to help and knowing that there isn’t a lot I can do, especially once I leave. This isn’t to say that I am not looking forward to living in India but it has shaken life up and taught be about perspective in a way I didn’t really understand before. Now it feels more important than ever to have adventures and create beautiful memories. I’m reminded that I need to stop worrying that I don’t feel the way I thought I would about leaving and instead I should just be making sure that the time before my departure is as happy and lovely as it possibly can be. 

Elena x

Preparation, Planning and Packing

I would be lying to you if I claimed that the last month has been stress free.

It turns out that I had made two rather large underestimations.

The first was that obtaining a Visa would simply be a case of making an appointment, turning up at the Visa office in Bristol, handing over some forms while smiling sweetly and then I’d have my passport (complete with Visa) arriving in the post a few days later with a cheery wave from the postman. This should have been how the process went, however, that wasn’t the reality. The problem with a 12 month Work Visa from the Indian Embassy is that it’s valid from the date it’s granted rather than the date of your departure meaning that our years aboard could be cut short if we went through the process too early. On the other side of the coin, waiting to make an appointment close to the departure date meant a higher risk of not getting a Visa in time for our flight. In an attempt not to sacrifice too much travel time next summer while also playing it safe time-wise, I thought that an appointment on the 6^th of August would be a fair compromise. I would have been right about this had I not filled in the wrong form on my main Visa Application. Turns out, in England, every Visa office you go to requires you to fill out a ‘Birmingham Form’ UNLESS you are going to an office in London or Bristol, in which case you need a ‘London Form’. This meant that, on the 6^th, when I turned up to the Bristol office, I was sent packing within 60 seconds simply because my form and office combination weren’t incompatible. Further complications with nearly all of this year’s Project Trust India volunteers meant there was a long pause before I was able to make a new appointment. Thankfully, last week my application was submitted. Despite this my Visa-related stress levels remain high as there was a small problem with one of million forms (an incorrect digit at the end of my passport number that had been corrected with pen). This minor detail is exactly the kind of thing the Embassy could pick up on to reject an application so I have my fingers crossed that I don’t have any more trouble or my departure may have to be rescheduled. Not ideal.

My second underestimation was how hard it would be to pack a year’s worth of stuff. I honestly thought it would be simple: I’d just make a list, I’d have 90% of the items on that list, it would all fit into my backpack and weigh exactly the airport baggage allowance. Simple! But no- despite having several colour coded packing lists (Lottie had to help me), my organisation skills have temporarily failed me and my progress with packing has stalled. There is now a big red box full of stickers, flip-flops and toiletries sat in my room. At some point in the next 10 days I will have to go through it, organise it, pack it, (probably unpack some of it as I will inevitably exceeded the baggage allowance) but that’s all far too daunting at the moment.

The Big Red Box is looking very fill and I don't even have everything on my lists yet!

I think I’m starting to realise that the ‘it will all just fall into place’ philosophy I’ve adopted is probably not as sound as I thought it was.

As well as practical struggles, ‘goodbyes’ have started become very real and are beginning to play on my mind. Knowing that there are some people who have been so central to the last 7 years of my life that I won’t see again in person for a year is pretty hard to get my head around at the moment. Having grown up in an age where nearly all of my friends are only a text or facebook message away, there is also some anxiousness around the idea of not having everyone at my finger tips. I’m sure, however, that the hustle and bustle of Devnar and teaching will mean that I won’t notice this too much while overseas!

Goodbyes with Andrew

I apologise that this entry hasn’t been as upbeat as I would have liked. To counteract all this stress, worry and nervousness I would like to end by noting down some things I’m really looking forward to:

Singing songs with my classes.

My first first-hand experience of a Hindu festivals.

Riding Elephants.

Buying my first Sari.

Indian puddings.

My first ride in a tuk tuk.

Being able to have a conversation with someone in Telugu.

And lastly; spending time with and getting to know my lovely partner. 

Whenever I post next I hope that I bring good news about the Visa and my attempts to pack everything I will need over the next year into one backpack that I am physically able to pick up!  

Elena x